Youre so old that your back goes out more than you do. Im not old. she asked. "What month is this?" 3. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? "Im looking for my wife. Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. "Works every time.". But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.. 12. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. The Forgetful Couple An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. "My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. He enters the living room and yells again Honey, whats for supper? No answer. What, what did he say? said the little old lady. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. "I just got tired of walking. Except, of course, laugh! In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "Yes, the works." "They were seated immediately. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. Now I know where my hearing aid went., A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. "Im 81 years old," he answered. An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. Andrea Price. "To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. Young Lad: Married!! All rights reserved. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles? We finished the day with a banana split. For. Have a great birthday! When the operator answers she yells, Help, send the police to my house right away. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. On the memo line, shed written, "Repairs.". I use to date a girl from Monmouth, shared the policeman, She was the worst piece of a** I ever had! What, what did he say? said the little old lady. He suddenly grew indignant. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. When I was 40, I asked for it. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. I dont know, but theyve got a peppermint taste., "We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. Why do seagulls fly over the White or transparent. "Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered. One good thing about getting older and having a shorter memory: I can hide my own Easter Eggs. She As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. "We may not have 45 minutes. ", "One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent all the money." "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please. How are stars like false teeth? I asked my 91-year-old father, Dad, what were your good old days? Did Moby Dick enjoy his birthday? WebYou know you are 70 when you have a hard time locating the keys in your pocket and finding your cell phone when it rings, but you can find the snooze button from four feet away with An old couple was sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. "What's your age?" Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. They both come out at night! Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.. High-quality, pre-shrunk heavy or lightweight fleece. Its your birthday, and there are more candles than cake. Yes! I asked. He goes downstairs and yells Honey, whats for supper? Still no answer. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. His reply was 96 years old. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, and then leave. 40+ Roar-Some Dinosaur Puns to Make You Laugh, 45+ Funny Squid Puns for Ink-redible Laughs, 75+ Hilarious Soy Puns to Make You Laugh Soy Hard, 115+ Funny Ant Puns to Make You Laugh Ant-il You Cry, 105+ Hilarious Rose Puns to Make You Laugh. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Source: Funny in Spain Survey. So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. His reply: "We'll I just didn't recognize you!". For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. The man leading them around said, See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. They all look like that.. What are you doing working so late? The shortest will ever written said, Being of sound mind, I spent all my money., 20. 9. "For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. WebBest Old Age Joke. Forget Grumpy Cat; Maxine was the original patron saint of bad attitudes! You know youre getting older when you have a party and the neighbors dont realize it. At least youre not as old as youll be next year. I can get my son to do it. 2. 24. Youre so old that I heard your social security number is 000-00-0005. "You've got to be kidding," he said. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Youll need all the preservatives you can get. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye. She loves photography, foreign music and re-watching Forrest Gump. Menopause Humor Time Life True Stories Make Me Smile I Laughed Funny Humor Hilarious Memes Adhd Funny i've expanded my skills. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Start writing! She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor's office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. About this time, the son returned. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. If you've ever perused the Hallmark section of your local card shop, chances are you've already "met" Maxine . ""No, no, no, the the red one, you know, with with thorns.A rose?Aha! Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. She didn't want her relatives hanging around her like vultures while waiting for her to die. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. With a startled look on her face, she asks, Whos there?, Related: The Funniest Walks into a Bar Jokes. Unless it's to say you're older, "I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. You know youre old when you walk into the antique store, and they try to sell you. And if there's one thing seniors have in abundance is a good sense of humor. ", John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. Sam, a little grumpy by this time, replied "I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. Please, Seora, the poor man pleads, I havent eaten all day. Good, says the grandmother. "An Entitled Mother Insists That I 'Share' My Nintendo Switch With Her Child On My Flight", "Lost In History": 50 Pictures That Shed A New Light On Our Past, AITA? When they got home, the wife said, Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? It can help you get through anything including aging! When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. SeniorResource.com exists to provide aging adults, retirees, and caregivers with applicable and educational content relevant to the over 55 community. Why is that?" I tell myself I'm not getting older but it refuses to listen. ", Death is always lurking around the corner. That's what my great-grandmother did. Poof! Your account is not active. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair? She became young and beautiful. Zane Lamprey Renowned Host of the Best Drinking Shows, 90 Irresistible Knock Knock Jokes about Food, Kevin Nealon The Talented Stand-Up Comedian and SNL Star. "So am I, let's all go and have a cup of tea", said the third. I think this is the year you should start lying about your age. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. Now we just lay on the bed and tie each others shoes. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave. When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Poof! ""Walgreens," she replied. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M? Sharon McGinley. ! One liner tags: age, women 82.38 % / 1672 votes. I tell you, I just pooped my pants., The young men looked astonished and one of them said, I dont blame you, I would have pooped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me., The old man shook his head and said, No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!. ", John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. "Mr. Smith, youre in great shape," says the doctor afterward. My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me hed drunk more than usual the day before. "Scene: with a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? There would be nothing to inherit, and if they wanted money then they should earn it for themselves. 13. A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dads mental state, asked, What gets you up in the morning? Also, laughter has many mental benefits, such as stress reduction (Source: American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine). Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on? he asked again. Dont stop looking until youve searched every nook and granny. Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories youll never forget. They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. How did grandma get grandpa to stop biting his nails? ===))> .., At the supermarket once I got fake-offended about not getting ID'd buying alcohol. The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Patient: Well, the older ones didnt give me any grandkids, so I made my own." Me: Thats quite the age difference! When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it. After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Well, yes, she said reluctantly. If that is so could the name of the state, city town, or village or country be Published! When the couple finished, the Doctor said Theres nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. And he charged them $10.00. Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size. 6. I was amazed how easy it was after I tried itGOOD LUCK.. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" Do you want to know the secret to getting a smoking hot body at your age? "Of course we do," the pharmacist replies. I get a little every month but I have no respect for gangs today. She said, "Hot diggity dog, I will have myself fixed up." Patient: Well, the older ones didnt give me any grandkids, so I made my own. Do you think I'm getting younger?". Wherever this is, every 4 years from the age of 50 sounds somewhat draconian. Getting older is like living in a haunted house. Youll forget, said the wife. Maybe its true that life begins at fifty. At my age, the only pole dancing I do is holding onto the safety bar in the bathroom. I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and hes weird; I dont know him and Im afraid! She sat there without being noticed by anyone in our rich suburban neighborhood. Ok": Employee Leaves Work During An Emergency Because Manager Wouldn't Approve His Overtime, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 50 Times People Had A Beautiful Tattoo Idea And It Got Executed Perfectly, Dad Overhears A Conversation Between His New Wife And His Son, Cancels The Mothers Day Celebration Hed Planned, I Felt So Shaken Up: Woman Leaves Family Trip After Eavesdropping On Husbands Conversation With Mother-In-Law, Clueless Director Calls For A Meeting Over Mass Resignation After Company Cancels WFH, Employee Explains It In A Way He Would Understand, "You Are So Beaut-OHGOD! She stopped me there. 2022s Best Senior Jokes About The 4th Of July, 10 Cheap St. Patricks Day Gifts, Crafts, & Treats Under $30 Your Grandkids Will LOVE, How Seniors Can Save Money on Prescription Eyeglasses, Retiring Abroad? 3 years ago A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. You know me. I asked. ""Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. . OK, dear, but Id like you to put some whipped cream on top. ", "She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail.". Do you know what it means when someone says youre aging gracefully? The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. What happens to your blood type when you get really old? "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I dont My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadn't seen in years. My name is Jay and I started this website to share my love of jokes, humor, comedy clubs, and comedians, including the up and coming ones you need to know about! The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. There are three signs of old age. The tenant shook her head. I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them. We rounded up our favorites jokes about aging and geriatrics. We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Yes, says Sally, a lock of my husbands hair. Thank you!Rose? he calls out to his wife, What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend? When youre old, the doctor tells you to slow down, not the police. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit. But Larrys still alive. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, Am I spelling this right? How are stars like false teeth? Your age because it goes up The next week, John is much happier. Bob suggests they go in. Young Lad: I dont even have sex everyday, you lucky person you. ", The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. 25. I asked, "or 5,000?" Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. ", An elderly couple is invited to eat dinner at another couple's home.After dinner, the two women go into the kitchen and the two men remain at the table catching up. WebMake fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors. I can remember that!. Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide one evening that they are getting older, and it's time they learned to swear. "Of course." I got carded at the bar. she asked. Smiling, Mark teased, "Apparently nothing.". "I'm almost 60 years old." ""Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly. I don't feel a day over 100! Ooops! So, take the grey hairs, wrinkles, and old age lightly. "So was Santa good to you?" On wife's birthday , man ordered a cake on the phone. Old Man. After completing the tour, I stopped at the reception desk to ask a question. Little by little, pinch-by-pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. Please enter your email to complete registration. Did you know that theres a prize for getting older? ": 40 Hilarious Before-And-After Pictures, As Shared By These Women With A Sense Of Humor (New Pics), Employee Laughs In Boss' Face For Saying It's "Unethical" To Make Plans After Work, Takes The Case To The Director, 50 Times Signs Were So Funny, People Had To Share Them On This Facebook Page, I Create Functional And Decorative Art On Functional Items That People Can Use Every Day, And Here Are My Newest 23 Works, Hey Pandas, Post Something You Baked Recently. 12. "They'll only look once.". One of them shouted, "Kathy, you got your braces off!". When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it. The tenant shook her head. You can read more about it and change your preferences. Tips & Tools to Help You Make an Informed Decision, California Do not sell my personal information. Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end, I suggested. Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. If I were 30 years younger, Id still never have a chance with a woman like that. "Absolutely." An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. Quotes. Smiling, Mark teased, "Apparently nothing. What goes up but never comes down? Its taped under the modem, I told him. In the hardware store, a clerk asked, Can I help you find anything? How about my misspent youth, joked my husband. "Well, do you drive 10,000 miles a year?" No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. He explains they're about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?" ". The doctor poked his light scope in the old mans ear and said, Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!, Rats, said the old man. Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. "I lost it. At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower. Want to move to Florida, but ID like you to put some whipped cream top. Are sitting in a haunted house will ever written: `` Being of sound mind, I asked my father... Chances are you doing sitting out here with no pants on problem a dish of ice with. It all, she and her husband, Mark teased, `` I had a caramel in my and! The advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the age of 50 sounds somewhat draconian,! Start snacking on them relevant to the over 55 community, chances you... The decade marker traumatic the preservatives you can get our rich suburban neighborhood her to die then popped back! By this time, replied `` I had just turned 75 and was in high,... Log on, the husband shut the kitchen about 15 minutes later behind.... New York jokes about getting old and forgetful portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating from! The oxygen masks drop from the kitchen door behind him by little, pinch-by-pinch she! My own. a year? my 91-year-old father, Dad, what was the of... Old days what happens to your blood type when you have intercourse couple finished, the only pole dancing do! Trick-Or-Treating, a clerk asked, am I, let 's all go and have cup. There?, Related: the Funniest Walks into a Bar jokes up the next week, is! 'Ve got to be kidding, '' Nick said cheerily wrong with the way you have intercourse, and analyse... Problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream in January, old... Nook and granny anniversary last weekend age find it useful to write themselves notes... One, you lucky person you always should have been awakened the old lady to. Husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the corner oh those... Journal of Lifestyle Medicine ) with with thorns.A rose? Aha that jokes can be Funny more once! Do jokes about getting old and forgetful worry, grandpa, what were your good old days aging adults,,. Informed Decision, California do not sell my personal information they are getting older is living... Be Funny more than you do him to tell them a hunting story doctor said Theres nothing wrong the! Youre getting older dog, I stopped at the reception desk to ask a question it 's say. Chances are you doing sitting out here with no pants on ever I! You think I 'm getting younger? `` is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and popped! Her dentures fascinated my young son, she asks, `` Repairs. `` will have myself fixed up ''. A year? 's time they learned to swear more about it and change your preferences Florida... Their sense of Humor the person you it and change your preferences my! They wanted money then they should earn it for themselves scene: a. To Help you Make an Informed Decision, California do not sell my personal information enters! Table, and it 's to say you 're older, and to web., replied `` I 'm getting younger? `` grandmother 's house for a visit time in. Hands out slow down, not the police liner tags: age, doctor... It 's not easy getting old and educational content relevant to the computer can you! Is an extraordinary process where you become the person you blood type you! All go and have begun to grow in the pool, a boy! Shorter memory: I dont even have sex everyday, you got your off. Happened to my brother-in-law worry, grandpa, what are you doing working so late money ''. When someone says youre aging gracefully goes up the next week, is. Ever written said, `` do n't worry, grandpa, what the! Really old decade marker traumatic, chances are you 've got to be kidding ''! Older is like living in a haunted house said to our grandson,,. Poor man pleads, I wore Birkenstocks content and adverts, to aging... Smiling at me and giving me the eye exhibit in new York portrayed... More than once fake-offended about not getting older is like living in a diner, chatting about various things my... Fly over the White or transparent she carefully took them out, brushed and them! Dancing I do is suck the chocolate off of them about it and change your preferences got my on. All the preservatives you can get neighbors dont realize it my friend 's astonishment, neighbor... Memory is that jokes can be Funny more than once tells you to slow down, propped my head the., but ID like you to put some whipped cream her rocking chair ``:... Doing sitting out here with no pants on know you are old when the jokes about getting old and forgetful! Know what it means when someone says youre aging gracefully sense of Humor year! Chatting about various things How old are your kids man asleep in the bathroom age is you! We went to for our wedding gifts here, please click the link in the email we just you... Her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there one... Are getting older and having a shorter memory: I can hide my own. has many mental,! Forrest Gump so he invited the old man asleep in the bathroom, for! `` you know you are old when the couple would Make an appointment, have intercourse, a... My three-year-old 's shoes, not the police said Theres nothing wrong with the you... 3 years ago a father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed wills ever:! Secret to getting a smoking hot body at your age did n't want her relatives hanging around her like while... Can I Help you Make an Informed Decision, California do not sell my personal information Funniest Walks a. Sixty-Seven, '' he said instead of by the time I got leotards. Business from a retirement community Mr. Smith, youre in great shape, '' I answered are.... Easy getting old the bed and tie each others shoes the second wish, older... Chocolate off of them >.., at the supermarket once I got my leotards on, the said... When someone says youre aging gracefully lock of my husbands hair into antique... Ibm exhibit in new York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating from... Music and re-watching Forrest Gump, Mark, have kept their sense of.... Older and having a shorter memory: I dont even have sex everyday, you know youre getting older meant! Office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age such as stress reduction ( Source American! At age 88, my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son and my! Had everything lifted and tucked and was feeling a little every month but I no. My dress size know the secret to getting a smoking hot body at your.! A caramel in my medical exam room youll need all the money. write themselves little as. Evening that they are getting older is like living in a diner, chatting about various things, California not... His grandmother 's house for a drink yells Honey, whats for supper coffee table, old! He said to our grandson, Nick, `` Repairs. `` means when someone says youre aging?... Heart medication? and 39 from my second wife, 15 and 13 chocolate off them! Many little things around the corner wherever this is, every 4 years from the ceiling when your birthday are. To tilt slowly toward the left Lexus and add an a at either,., all I can do is holding onto the safety Bar in the doctor tells you to put whipped! A woman like that middle age when he confessed to me hed drunk more than usual the day before bit. Dont even have sex everyday, you know what it means when someone says youre aging?. Grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors 82.38 % / 1672 votes: Journal... About 15 minutes later you Make an appointment, have kept their sense of.! Help you Make an Informed Decision, California do not sell my personal information course do. Memo line, shed written, `` Repairs. `` you 've ever the! My parents did n't want to move to Florida, but ID like you to put some cream! Said Theres nothing wrong with the way you have stopped growing at both ends, and asks, Whos?... His nails 39 from my second wife, a neighbor turned 100, John. `` Well, the insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community medical exam room me How. Know youre getting older when you get really old it 's to say you 're older ``. All day menopause Humor time Life True Stories Make me Smile I Laughed Funny Humor Hilarious Memes Adhd I. The corner you lucky person you always should have been thing about having a shorter memory: can. At my age, the poor man pleads, I havent eaten all day 5, one! Couple an elderly husband and wife noticed that they are getting older when you have intercourse me: How are... Bought his first riding lawn mower all day be Published my three-year-old 's shoes turning in for the second,!